In many cultures that is the norm. Lindsay A movie? At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Im in the same situation as well. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. I was thinking the same thing. I agree that it is dysfunctional. tbrucemom DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Will you LWs simply never learn? Okay okay. But Im talking about my family. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. . Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Some peoples parents are just like that. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. They arent her parents. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. I like to relax at home. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. I can use a personal example as well. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Thats what next times are for! Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Maybe something is up with his family? Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. What should I do? Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. or just dinner? After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. ForeverYoung The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. I agree with you. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. We were together but doing our own thing. At best, a season and a half. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. OR look up state parks. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Thatll probably shut them up. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. On the weekends he spends at Its a worldwide treasure hunt. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Heck, some people are just like that. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Oh yeah I forgot about that. 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